"Shit. My boyfriend is coming."

Five words I seem to be getting a lot lately.

I don’t know when the person I was started becoming the person I am.

I am an asshole, unapologetically so.

Because my selfish, self centered actions mostly just affect me. And the possible self inflicted consequences are risks that I am willing to take.

And yet. Shit, her boyfriend is coming.

“Wait. You have a boyfriend?”

You’re incredibly beautiful.

I don’t even know you.

But I’ve liked you for a while.

I’ve noticed that my thoughts move vertically most of the time, in no particular order. There is order in the structure itself.

I sat there, experiencing the morning after lull, waves oscillating back and forth in my head. I reconsidered everything. But everything is now the result of meticulous planning, a chain of events so tightly wound together that to back up at this very critical point would do more damage than good.

It feels as though the world is resting on my shoulders.

It’s not supposed to be this way, is it?

The world should be underneath my feet, masochistic and unending, willing me to walk all over it in search of its non existent finale.

I’m waiting for that moment when my reality will flip upside down, restoring everything to its allegedly rightful place.

But that would put me on my back.

Is it a moment or a journey to a moment or neither?

I lied. I’m not waiting.

I’m going out there, and I am tackling it all as it comes.

There's probably an earthquake about to happen anyway; there is limited time to be courageous.

And sometimes, the girls have boyfriends.

Sometimes, she texts me randomly and the distance between us feels like a train burning through train tracks, violently heating up the steel inside my chest.

I reply anyway.

Sometimes, the idea of packing up and leaving seems like the definition of sheer stupidity.

But to consent to living like this fits the very same definition.

It defies living.

Most of the time, I am sure.

“Fuck. Why is your boyfriend coming?”

Stay with me.

“Yes, you should go.”

I’m going too.